bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 okay so hear are some of the jokes i found online about the diff inst....feel free to post any new jokes ya'll got!! What do you call a drummer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 I'll hafta agree with the bickering flute player jokes. But, I think we have a pretty decent flute section. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddmwingz Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Why is a bassoon worth more than an oboe? cuz a bassoon will burn longer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxaphone? You can tune the lawn mower. The most generic joke I have, but it's my favorite: How do you get two oboes in tune? Shoot one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 what is the difference between a bull and a band director ? the bull has its horns in the front and the **** hole in the back haha i recently realized their strict for a reason but it still sucks when ur tired and they get all up in ur face!!! lol okay so here are some R rated jokes haha.......... Top Ten Things In Band That Sound Dirty But Aren't 10- How are your lips doing? 9- sectionals (say it fast and confuse non-bandees) 8- What position are you in, trombones? 7- Get on your knees and flash! 6- If there's a hole in your crotch, tell me! 5- Blow harder! 4- Will you be my hooker? 3- Push in... now pull out.... 2- double-tonguing 1- fingering your parts 1. Are you a cesura? 'Cause my world sure stopped when I saw you. 2. I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 hahahaha. wow that was soooo messed up. We have a saxaphone player who said last year that band was "all about sucking and blowing" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 hahahaha. wow that was soooo messed up. We have a saxaphone player who said last year that band was "all about sucking and blowing" haha yea at one point our clarinets shirts were going to be "we blow hard and finger fast" haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Ten Things Your Conductor Will NEVER Say: 1. Gee, that's a boring hymn. Let's play another one 2. Well played, everyone. Let's go home early. 3. I wasn't much of a player, myself. 4. Nicely played, trombones. So tuneful. 5. If you can't play it, don't worry about it. 6. What do you think? 7. I never wanted to be a conductor. I wanted to be a lumberjack. 8. Of course you can miss rehearsals. We're so fortunate that you choose to play with us. 9. Sorry, I lied. We have absolutely no chance of winning anything - ever! 10. I was wrong. so many true things.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 yah... about 6 or 7 of those things I had a very difficult time seeing our director saying.... It's one of those things that only happens in a dream. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 yah... about 6 or 7 of those things I had a very difficult time seeing our director saying.... It's one of those things that only happens in a dream. haha yea esp the "8. Of course you can miss rehearsals. We're so fortunate that you choose to play with us. " our director at frhs would NEVER....EVER....EVER...EVER... SAY THAT!!! its always about holes in the drill and ppl missing n not knowing thier sets!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 ah... holes. Gotta love em. Our director's new favorite line "people, the infirmary is getting rather large, so if you can march at all, then you need to. we can't march holes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddmwingz Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 well since someone already broke the R-rated joke virginity... A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roomate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah" the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny pinched up mouth; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roomate asked "Well, was he a good kisser?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge rubbery, blubbery, slobbering lips! Oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a french horn player, and when she came back the roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but i loved the way he held me!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Q.If football is life then what is heaven? A.Marching band Why do trombone players make better lovers? Because a Trumpet player uses 3 fingers, a baritone player uses 4, but a tombone player knows seven differnet postions. omg these next ones r messed up...... but true Ten reasons why you should DATE a girl band player: 1. We Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 wow... let's not make this NC-17 or X rated... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 wow... let's not make this NC-17 or X rated... haha alright im done..........haha but its so easy with band b/c almost everything can be made perverted !!! in fact im pretty sure it already has... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 yah, I completely agree. I don't think I can think of something that hasn't been said in band that hasn't been made into some sort of innuendo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddmwingz Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 on a more pg rating... Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? because he was Haydn Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach What's the difference between a musician and a 14inch pizza? the pizza can feed a family of four Did you hear about the tuba player that was so out of tune his section noticed? What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer How many musician jokes are there? Just one, all the rest are true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Whoo i would not suggest this.............. A PLAYER'S GUIDE FOR KEEPING CONDUCTORS IN LINE 1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. 3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 4. Look the other way just before cues. 5. Never have the proper mute. 6. Ask for a seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor. 7. Brass players : Drop mutes at every opportunity. 8. Loudly blow water from keys or spit valves during pauses. 9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) 10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music. 12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique," so challenge them frequently. 14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" 15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder. 16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. 17. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that the others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. 18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"... He said, "the river or the state?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you know if a drummer's platform is level? The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots? They put drumsticks on the dash. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 1, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Top 10 Ways To Piss Off Your Drum Major 10. Listen intently to her/his instructions. Do exactly the opposite. Insist that that was what s/he said to begin with. 9. Empty spit exactly in the spot where s/he steps down from the podium. Get the entire brass section to do this. Often. 8. Harass the cheerleaders. Blame the comments on the drum major. 7. Invent your own tempo. Stick to your guns, no matter how big her/his beats are or how much s/he glares at you, then... 6. "Confess" to your band director that you just can't follow such bad conducting and obscured beats. 5. Drop vital instrument parts during drill (this includes bells, foot joints, slides, etc.). 4. Wait until s/he's just finished an hour of basics reviewing. "Forget" to step off on your left foot. Repeatedly. 3. Whenever you see her/him trying to find her/his tempo, immediately start singing, playing, or tapping your foot loudly and out of tempo. Annoyingly infectious songs or songs in a completely different meter are especially effective. 2. Wait until the busses have left before looking surprised and announcing loudly, "No one told us to take our uniforms off the bus, too!" or "You mean they aren't coming back to unload the instruments?!" NOTE: the above are best performed by at least three people for maximum chaos. 1. In your sweetest and most respectful voice, ask her/him, "As God, why can't you make our team win a game?" Look serious. Expect an answer. Wait for one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 I love number 1 on that list, just because our team hasn't won so far... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bass~beetch Posted October 2, 2007 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 yea id love to try # 10 and # 7 but id most def DIE....a very slow painful death!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 I've done number 10 once... =], but I was a freshman then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyboard_Countessa Posted October 6, 2007 Report Share Posted October 6, 2007 Yay for band jokes! Here's a few of my favorites: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? "Dude... is it dark in here?!?" --- What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline. --- What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? You cry when you chop up an onion. --- How can you tell which kids on the playground are the children of trombone players? They can't swing and they don't know how to use the slide. --- One day little Timmy told his mother, "I'm gonna be a trumpet player when I grow up!" His mother said, "But honey, you can't do both." --- What's the difference between a flutist and a seamstress? The seamstress says, "Tuck the frills." (Switch the T and the F to see what the flutist says ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
borchnork Posted October 8, 2007 Report Share Posted October 8, 2007 haha, trumpets... awesome joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.